The Perfect Partner
Whether you call it “The One”, “The man/woman of my dreams” or simply your “Perfect Partner”, the idea that there is someone out there perfectly tailored to our desires is very enticing. But let’s make one thing clear: humans are far too complex to give clearly defined attributes to. We are not objects or machines programmed to perfectly satisfy one specific human being on this planet! The very idea of a “perfect” partner then might seem ludicrous. But what if we changed the definition, and applied it to what really matters and not the superfluous?
Your perceptions of what the ideal partner is, to you, will drastically change the outcome of your love life. By remaining inflexible in what you consider acceptable in a partner, you will find yourself alone, or unhappy with someone else, as they will not meet your expectations. By opening your mind, you can find blinding beauty in the one you will crave to spend your entire life with; someone who didn’t meet all your unrealistic standards of perfection.
As a Flawed Concept
Just like a doll that you would dress up with clothes, and brush their hair, you can, in your mind, imagine another human being that is incredibly fine-tuned to your liking. You may tell yourself: “They need to have blue eyes, with hair that reaches the shoulders, with a beautiful Italian or French accent, who will always open the door for me. Every morning, I will wake up to a delicious meal in bed that they made with love, just for me. I will be so happy with someone like that in my life!”. These ideas seem like they would be great contributors to your happiness, but in fact, usually have very little impact.
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Imagining a perfect partner is essentially fantasy. Unfortunately, your fantasies are not necessarily what you want or what you truly need, especially when it comes to love. You come up with exciting ideas about your partner, to the point of defining an unrealistic set of expectations that severely limits your dating pool, usually to the point that not a single person out of the 7 billion people of Earth meet your criteria.
The Dangers of Unrealistic Expectations
One of the most toxic features of fantasizing about the idea of an objectified perfect partner is that you will be pushing not just several, but many expectations on anyone you would consider dating. This can make you quickly disregard anyone who doesn’t fit every little detail of your fantasy, and ignore anyone who would have the potential to become an amazing partner for you, just because seeking perfection blinds your ability to see yourself grow with them. After all, a perfect partner is perfect right now — not 10 years from now.
By precisely defining what you desire in someone, you fall in love with an idea, not a person. You may find yourself starting to love or even hate people based solely on traits the person displays that you categorize under either ‘acceptable’ or ‘unacceptable’. This absolutism can prove to be extremely toxic in an individual’s relationships, usually leading to an unexpected breakup as the partner showcases the ‘unacceptable’.
Let Reality Surprise You
Part of the fun is discovering what you had no idea could fascinate you. My wife’s talents completely fascinate me, including, but not limited to: is an amazing driver, world class Tetris player, and a sudoku ninja. And I had little to no interest in those things before meeting her!
What fun is it to just be with someone and not grow with them? Life is a journey, and while you might be able to be content with a partner who has to desire to grow, life will be boring. I relish every time I discover something new about my wife, be it something that she already knew about herself, or be it something that we discovered together. She is the one person I love to know the most about! And the more I know about her, the greater my abilities to make her happy become.
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Being able to introduce your partner to what you are passionate about and maintain their interest is one of the best feelings in the world. Even if they only become passionate through you, that’s fine! Of course, not everything you are passionate about will resonate with your partner, but that’s alright; you can simply focus on the new activities you can enjoy together!
The idea that having less than you desire might sound like it would result in a less healthy relationship, but that is only a matter of perception. No one is truly boring; everyone has so much that they have gone through in life; so many different experiences, relationships, perceptions and ideas. Everyone has so much to share about themselves, meaning that there is so much for you to discover! Life is a journey; enjoy every moment of it with the one you love.
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It’s Not About Settling for Less
The greatest irony of wanting a defined partner is that while trying to define your perfect partner so intently, you secure yourself into a life without romantic love, and thus, more than likely, unhappiness. By redefining what the perfect partner is for you, you allow yourself to experience levels of love that you couldn’t live even in your wildest dreams.
Every human being has flaws. Yet you cannot truly love someone if you do not accept their flaws or even embrace them. After all, what is a flaw to one might be seen as an opportunity to grow for another, or even a desirable trait. Oftentimes, our flaws that we attempt to hide are simply what our previous partners couldn’t accept of us.
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My wife and I are very needy; we need each other’s love constantly and never get sick or tired of it. For most people, it is overwhelming and undesirable, thus our exes couldn’t help but see our neediness as a flaw. But to us? It is bliss.
It doesn’t mean that the greater the amount of flaws someone has, the more loveable they can be… but by keeping an open mind, you may find yourself helping your partner grow in ways that you yourself have managed, just as they might do you, or even better, learn together and grow into better human beings and at the same time, make your relationship grow. By allowing yourself to grow with someone, you develop a form of connection and attachment that can withstand the greatest disasters that would be completely unsurmountable otherwise. The challenge that felt like Mount Kilimanjaro will seem like just another hill.
What is the Perfect Partner for You?
We are made of a combination of a billion different factors all jumbled up together into one giant chaotic mess. But it is by diving deep into that chaos that you find the most beautiful of pearls.
What the perfect partner is:
- Complementary (ex: You prefer being the passenger in a car while they prefer doing the driving)
- Someone that you find yourself planning your entire life with, together
- Someone who will do everything to be there for you when you need them
- Someone you enjoy seeing grow, especially if you personally contributed to that growth
- Your best friend
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What the perfect partner is not:
- A finely tuned idea of what a human being should be, in your mind
- Someone who will make all your fantasies come true
Remember: It will take years of friendship and relationship before you realize that someone is perfect for you. And do keep in mind that finding the perfect partner is only half of the work needed to achieve a perfect relationship. Don’t focus on what your partner lacks – Instead cherish what they have to offer you, and savour every moment with them.